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Featured Guest:
Dr. Amy Todey Founder, Todey Psychology www.todeypsychology.com Published Date: August 20, 2026 Dr. Amy Todey joins Wisdom for Wannabes for a thoughtful conversation about parenting, co-parenting, family relationships, and neurodiversity. A Harvard-trained psychologist and founder of Todey Psychology, Amy brings a deeply human perspective to some of the most challenging moments families can face. We talk about radical acceptance, the importance of belonging and connection, repairing after conflict, raising resilient children, and understanding diagnoses like ADHD without allowing them to define a child. Amy also shares wisdom from her own experience as a mother of three boys, reminding us that there is no perfect way to parent, and that the most powerful thing we can do is acknowledge mistakes, apologize, and find our way back to each other. Listen to/watch the full podcast recording, or read the transcript below: |
Full Interview with Dr. Amy Todey:
"You can always come back. You can always repair, or start a repair process, with your family."
- Dr. Amy Todey (Wisdom for Wannabes episode 69, 26:25)
Great quotes from the interview:
(More great quotes throughout the transcript in purple below.)
- "The heart and soul of what I do is really helping families find their way back to each other.”
- “I love human beings. It's easy for me to see goodness in people.”
- “You can always come back. You can always repair, or start a repair process, with your family.”
- “The myth about parenting is that there is a perfect or right way to do it.”
- “People are built to belong. We're wired that way.”
- “We really don't have control over a lot of what happens in life, but we can control how we respond to it.”
- “To have authentic relationships, we have to be able to see both strengths and faults in both in ourselves and in other people.”
- “The greatest virtue is love; everything flows from that.”
- “A diagnosis isn't an identity. It is a way that explains how kids' brains work.”
- “The minute we name it, it gets smaller. The minute we face it, it gets smaller.”
(More great quotes throughout the transcript in purple below.)
Dr. Amy Todey, Todey Psychology
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Key Takeaways:
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Interview Transcript:
Jackie Morreale (00:00)
Welcome to Wisdom for Wannabes, the podcast that seeks wise words in business, beauty, and betterment. I am the host, Jackie Morreale.
Today, we're joined by Dr. Amy Todey, a Harvard-trained psychologist, parenting and co-parenting expert, and the founder of Todey Psychology. Dr. Todey's work sits at the intersection of science and real life, high-conflict co-parenting, and the everyday emotional complexities of raising children in a fast-moving world. But beyond the clinical training and research, she's also a mother of three, a lifelong athlete, and someone who believes deeply in resilience, connection, and the idea that even in the messiest seasons of family life, growth is possible. Go, Amy!
Dr. Amy Todey, welcome to Wisdom for Wannabes! It is so great to have you here today.
Dr. Amy Todey (00:51)
It's wonderful to be here. Thank you so much for having me on the show.
I just wanted to clarify, don't just have three kids, I have three boys. I am a 'boy mom' and that's a different thing than just three kids.
Jackie Morreale (01:04)
I have one boy, and yes, I totally understand. Three of him would be a very different dynamic.
Dr. Amy Todey (01:10)
We have a very busy house.
Jackie Morreale (01:12)
I'm sure. Can you just start us off with your full name, where you're from, and a little bit about what you do?
Dr. Amy Todey (01:19)
I’m Dr. Amy Todey, and I practice primarily in Atlanta. I also have a Boston office. I spend a lot of my free time in Maine. My family has a historic house there. I love the outdoors. I'm a huge sports fan. We spend a lot of time with our kids. We try to go on adventures and get into the world as much as we can.
And I'm absolutely passionate about psychology, about helping families, and about what I do.
Jackie Morreale (01:42)
What is your favorite part of being a psychologist, of being an entrepreneur, of everything that you do professionally?
Dr. Amy Todey (01:49)
There are so many things that I love about it. The heart and soul of what I do is really helping families find their way back to each other. I really believe in families, and not perfect curated families, but the messy, ever-changing families. Families are always in motion.
With each of those changes, there are inflection points that are really breeding grounds for conflict and feelings. Often, those things happen within the context of families of people who really love each other and want connection and belonging.
I really believe that in almost any circumstances, families can find their way back. They can repair, go through hard times, and then bounce back to be healthy again.
That's what I love the most about this work: the healing, the connection, and the belonging that I get the privilege of helping restore.
Jackie Morreale (02:36)
You are a lifesaver for so many families. What a special place to be in, in your career, and to have that be your favorite thing. How many years have you been helping families in this way?
Dr. Amy Todey (02:48)
I trained until 2015, so I've been doing it for a little over ten years. I started at Boston Children's Hospital, and I was there for five years. Then I started a private practice in Boston. Then I gave it to my friend who still has a wonderful neurodevelopmental clinic in Woburn, called Touchstone. She took everything we learned at Children's in Boston and moved into a private practice. When I'm here, I practice out of her office.
Our family moved to Atlanta, and I started a private practice there. I've re-specialized just a little bit. I was in neurodevelopment, and I broadened what I did to support families across multiple different aspects or areas of their lives. I do some high conflict divorce work. I also do a lot of grandparenting and parenting work now. I really love the diversity of what I do.
Jackie Morreale (03:33)
Was there a point early in your career where you thought 'this' is the kind of psychologist that I wanted to be? Or did that just evolve naturally over time?
Dr. Amy Todey (03:41)
I feel like I've always known. I love human beings.
It's easy for me to see goodness in people.
I think that people will do good if they can.
Kids are that way, too. If kids can do good, they will.
That's the approach that I have to parenting and helping kids.
For adults, none of us wants to be held to our worst moment. We all have flaws and things that we have done that we're not proud of.
That's what being human is.
What human beings tend to do is feel shame and want to hide it from the world, which can lead to all kinds of other problems.
I've always been the kind of psychologist who wanted to honor the humanity in people and help them understand that we are way more connected than we are different. I'm living that dream right now.
Jackie Morreale (04:23)
You are really living the dream. Even just to start the conversation with, 'I love people.'
I think we all need to approach other people with that kind of empathy. You're able to connect and see the good in people. When we first met, my feeling was, 'Wow!', you just have such a Zen presence. Every patient must walk out of the conversation, out of your practice, feeling brand new; a million times better, and are very fortunate to have you in their lives, for sure.
Dr. Amy Todey (04:50)
Well, I appreciate you saying that, and I certainly hope that they do. The goal of therapy is for people to have a corrective emotional experience, so that their flaws can be seen, the things they're not proud of, their shame can be seen, and someone can still say, 'I'm here. You're good enough just as you are.'
Jackie Morreale (05:04)
Beautiful. You've trained at places like Harvard Medical School, and you've worked in these super high-intensity clinical environments. You mentioned Boston Children's. Was there anything that surprised you when you moved into private practice and working with families, parents, divorcees, and grandparents?
Dr. Amy Todey (05:22)
I have had the privilege to train in amazing places. Anyone who's ever had the opportunity to work in a Harvard Medical School teaching hospital or any Boston hospital will find the learning amazing, not just because of the didactics or the environment, but also because of the people it attracts.
One of the hardest parts about going into private practice is the isolation of it. When you're working in an organization like a hospital, the consultation opportunities, friendship-making opportunities, and the ability to practice together are just ingrained. Moving into private practice, I've really had to create that for myself and build those relationships on my own.
I absolutely could never ever practice on my own. I must have people that I can call and that will show up in times because psychology as a practice can be hard. It can get really hard emotionally.
There is burnout, but it can also be hard to know what to do in certain tricky situations where you're trying to do the best for a family, but you don't quite know how to do that. There are new situations all the time.
One of the biggest challenges is just how do I create a thriving practice that involves still collaborating with other professionals.
Jackie Morreale (06:28)
I love the fact that you built a practice up north and were able to hand it over to a colleague, and it's still a thriving business that you're now able to practice at during some months of the year. From the other team members that you put together that I have interacted with, everybody gives me the same feeling that I have right now, which is this really nice connected feeling of living our best lives. Again, you really love people. That's not true for everyone.
Dr. Amy Todey (06:54)
No, it is not true for everyone. Yes. I do love people.
Jackie Morreale (06:59)
It shows. So, before we get too deep into the psychology world that I know you live and breathe every day, let's do some quick-fire questions to get to know you, Dr. Amy Todey. Sounds good?
Dr. Amy Todey (07:11)
Great. Sounds good.
Jackie Morreale (07:13)
Will try to keep it light to start. Coffee or tea to start your day?
Dr. Amy Todey (07:15)
Coffee all the way.
Jackie Morreale (07:17)
Favorite sport? I know you're a lifelong athlete.
Dr. Amy Todey (07:20)
Basketball.
Jackie Morreale (07:21)
Ooh, to play or to watch?
Dr. Amy Todey (07:23)
I love to play basketball. I played basketball in high school, and I played in France.
I played in Europe for a couple of years, it was the most amazing experience of my life.
Then I refereed women's college basketball for years. I refereed a lot of division one conferences in the Northeast.
My husband referees SEC men's college basketball, so he travels up and down the East Coast refereeing. We are a big basketball family.
Jackie Morreale (07:44)
Look, I'm sure that being a psychologist has its issues; burnout, being very difficult. But being a referee, I'm sure that you have had some difficult games and days! That is not an easy position.
Dr. Amy Todey (07:57)
It's not. It's super fun. It keeps you really close to the game. You develop a thick skin to stuff like that. It's all part of the experience, I guess. I do live vicariously through my husband. I still get all the stories.
Jackie Morreale (08:12)
I'm sure there are lots of stories. Do you have a favorite team? It could be a basketball team.
Dr. Amy Todey (08:13)
Definitely. Boston Celtics. All the way.
Jackie Morreale (08:19)
An amazing team with some history! I can see why basketball runs deep in the Todey family.
Dr. Amy Todey (08:24)
Yeah, if you haven't had the experience of the TD Garden in Boston, you haven't had a basketball experience. It's amazing.
Jackie Morreale (08:32)
I'm on my way. I'm ready.
Dr. Amy Todey (08:34)
Exactly.
Jackie Morreale (08:35)
I'm a native New Yorker; this was a very exciting basketball time in our lives.
Dr. Amy Todey (08:39)
It was such an exciting time.
(Continued below)
Welcome to Wisdom for Wannabes, the podcast that seeks wise words in business, beauty, and betterment. I am the host, Jackie Morreale.
Today, we're joined by Dr. Amy Todey, a Harvard-trained psychologist, parenting and co-parenting expert, and the founder of Todey Psychology. Dr. Todey's work sits at the intersection of science and real life, high-conflict co-parenting, and the everyday emotional complexities of raising children in a fast-moving world. But beyond the clinical training and research, she's also a mother of three, a lifelong athlete, and someone who believes deeply in resilience, connection, and the idea that even in the messiest seasons of family life, growth is possible. Go, Amy!
Dr. Amy Todey, welcome to Wisdom for Wannabes! It is so great to have you here today.
Dr. Amy Todey (00:51)
It's wonderful to be here. Thank you so much for having me on the show.
I just wanted to clarify, don't just have three kids, I have three boys. I am a 'boy mom' and that's a different thing than just three kids.
Jackie Morreale (01:04)
I have one boy, and yes, I totally understand. Three of him would be a very different dynamic.
Dr. Amy Todey (01:10)
We have a very busy house.
Jackie Morreale (01:12)
I'm sure. Can you just start us off with your full name, where you're from, and a little bit about what you do?
Dr. Amy Todey (01:19)
I’m Dr. Amy Todey, and I practice primarily in Atlanta. I also have a Boston office. I spend a lot of my free time in Maine. My family has a historic house there. I love the outdoors. I'm a huge sports fan. We spend a lot of time with our kids. We try to go on adventures and get into the world as much as we can.
And I'm absolutely passionate about psychology, about helping families, and about what I do.
Jackie Morreale (01:42)
What is your favorite part of being a psychologist, of being an entrepreneur, of everything that you do professionally?
Dr. Amy Todey (01:49)
There are so many things that I love about it. The heart and soul of what I do is really helping families find their way back to each other. I really believe in families, and not perfect curated families, but the messy, ever-changing families. Families are always in motion.
With each of those changes, there are inflection points that are really breeding grounds for conflict and feelings. Often, those things happen within the context of families of people who really love each other and want connection and belonging.
I really believe that in almost any circumstances, families can find their way back. They can repair, go through hard times, and then bounce back to be healthy again.
That's what I love the most about this work: the healing, the connection, and the belonging that I get the privilege of helping restore.
Jackie Morreale (02:36)
You are a lifesaver for so many families. What a special place to be in, in your career, and to have that be your favorite thing. How many years have you been helping families in this way?
Dr. Amy Todey (02:48)
I trained until 2015, so I've been doing it for a little over ten years. I started at Boston Children's Hospital, and I was there for five years. Then I started a private practice in Boston. Then I gave it to my friend who still has a wonderful neurodevelopmental clinic in Woburn, called Touchstone. She took everything we learned at Children's in Boston and moved into a private practice. When I'm here, I practice out of her office.
Our family moved to Atlanta, and I started a private practice there. I've re-specialized just a little bit. I was in neurodevelopment, and I broadened what I did to support families across multiple different aspects or areas of their lives. I do some high conflict divorce work. I also do a lot of grandparenting and parenting work now. I really love the diversity of what I do.
Jackie Morreale (03:33)
Was there a point early in your career where you thought 'this' is the kind of psychologist that I wanted to be? Or did that just evolve naturally over time?
Dr. Amy Todey (03:41)
I feel like I've always known. I love human beings.
It's easy for me to see goodness in people.
I think that people will do good if they can.
Kids are that way, too. If kids can do good, they will.
That's the approach that I have to parenting and helping kids.
For adults, none of us wants to be held to our worst moment. We all have flaws and things that we have done that we're not proud of.
That's what being human is.
What human beings tend to do is feel shame and want to hide it from the world, which can lead to all kinds of other problems.
I've always been the kind of psychologist who wanted to honor the humanity in people and help them understand that we are way more connected than we are different. I'm living that dream right now.
Jackie Morreale (04:23)
You are really living the dream. Even just to start the conversation with, 'I love people.'
I think we all need to approach other people with that kind of empathy. You're able to connect and see the good in people. When we first met, my feeling was, 'Wow!', you just have such a Zen presence. Every patient must walk out of the conversation, out of your practice, feeling brand new; a million times better, and are very fortunate to have you in their lives, for sure.
Dr. Amy Todey (04:50)
Well, I appreciate you saying that, and I certainly hope that they do. The goal of therapy is for people to have a corrective emotional experience, so that their flaws can be seen, the things they're not proud of, their shame can be seen, and someone can still say, 'I'm here. You're good enough just as you are.'
Jackie Morreale (05:04)
Beautiful. You've trained at places like Harvard Medical School, and you've worked in these super high-intensity clinical environments. You mentioned Boston Children's. Was there anything that surprised you when you moved into private practice and working with families, parents, divorcees, and grandparents?
Dr. Amy Todey (05:22)
I have had the privilege to train in amazing places. Anyone who's ever had the opportunity to work in a Harvard Medical School teaching hospital or any Boston hospital will find the learning amazing, not just because of the didactics or the environment, but also because of the people it attracts.
One of the hardest parts about going into private practice is the isolation of it. When you're working in an organization like a hospital, the consultation opportunities, friendship-making opportunities, and the ability to practice together are just ingrained. Moving into private practice, I've really had to create that for myself and build those relationships on my own.
I absolutely could never ever practice on my own. I must have people that I can call and that will show up in times because psychology as a practice can be hard. It can get really hard emotionally.
There is burnout, but it can also be hard to know what to do in certain tricky situations where you're trying to do the best for a family, but you don't quite know how to do that. There are new situations all the time.
One of the biggest challenges is just how do I create a thriving practice that involves still collaborating with other professionals.
Jackie Morreale (06:28)
I love the fact that you built a practice up north and were able to hand it over to a colleague, and it's still a thriving business that you're now able to practice at during some months of the year. From the other team members that you put together that I have interacted with, everybody gives me the same feeling that I have right now, which is this really nice connected feeling of living our best lives. Again, you really love people. That's not true for everyone.
Dr. Amy Todey (06:54)
No, it is not true for everyone. Yes. I do love people.
Jackie Morreale (06:59)
It shows. So, before we get too deep into the psychology world that I know you live and breathe every day, let's do some quick-fire questions to get to know you, Dr. Amy Todey. Sounds good?
Dr. Amy Todey (07:11)
Great. Sounds good.
Jackie Morreale (07:13)
Will try to keep it light to start. Coffee or tea to start your day?
Dr. Amy Todey (07:15)
Coffee all the way.
Jackie Morreale (07:17)
Favorite sport? I know you're a lifelong athlete.
Dr. Amy Todey (07:20)
Basketball.
Jackie Morreale (07:21)
Ooh, to play or to watch?
Dr. Amy Todey (07:23)
I love to play basketball. I played basketball in high school, and I played in France.
I played in Europe for a couple of years, it was the most amazing experience of my life.
Then I refereed women's college basketball for years. I refereed a lot of division one conferences in the Northeast.
My husband referees SEC men's college basketball, so he travels up and down the East Coast refereeing. We are a big basketball family.
Jackie Morreale (07:44)
Look, I'm sure that being a psychologist has its issues; burnout, being very difficult. But being a referee, I'm sure that you have had some difficult games and days! That is not an easy position.
Dr. Amy Todey (07:57)
It's not. It's super fun. It keeps you really close to the game. You develop a thick skin to stuff like that. It's all part of the experience, I guess. I do live vicariously through my husband. I still get all the stories.
Jackie Morreale (08:12)
I'm sure there are lots of stories. Do you have a favorite team? It could be a basketball team.
Dr. Amy Todey (08:13)
Definitely. Boston Celtics. All the way.
Jackie Morreale (08:19)
An amazing team with some history! I can see why basketball runs deep in the Todey family.
Dr. Amy Todey (08:24)
Yeah, if you haven't had the experience of the TD Garden in Boston, you haven't had a basketball experience. It's amazing.
Jackie Morreale (08:32)
I'm on my way. I'm ready.
Dr. Amy Todey (08:34)
Exactly.
Jackie Morreale (08:35)
I'm a native New Yorker; this was a very exciting basketball time in our lives.
Dr. Amy Todey (08:39)
It was such an exciting time.
(Continued below)
(Continued)
Jackie Morreale (08:42)
Such an exciting time for the Knicks. Anyway, I digress. Hidden talent?
Dr. Amy Todey (08:46)
Gosh. Hidden talent. I speak French. That's probably something a lot of people don't know about me.
Jackie Morreale (08:51)
Do you ever offer sessions in French, to French-speaking patients?
Dr. Amy Todey (08:55)
I've done that before, yes. I have felt really grateful to have that skill. I had an immigrant family that did not speak English. They're from a French-speaking country in Africa. Their child desperately needed an evaluation, and I was able to do it. I love using those skills in session.
Jackie Morreale (09:13)
One myth about parenting?
Dr. Amy Todey (09:15)
The myth about parenting is that there is a perfect or right way to do it.
Parenting is very embedded culturally. There are lots of different ways that families show love. Some people show love through nurturance, some through food, some through discipline, or teaching.
There is not one way to do this. Parenting is messy.
The core of parenting for me, no matter whether your child is under 18 or an adult child, is really around repair. Understanding that relationships all have moments that are hard, especially when someone is growing up.
Falling back on that ability to say, 'I'm sorry.'
That is really important for all parents to learn and teach their kids as a skill. There are a lot of different ways to embrace parenting, for sure.
Jackie Morreale (09:58)
A family ritual that you love?
Dr. Amy Todey (10:00)
Our biggest family ritual is intergenerational. We have a historic house in Maine that was my grandmother's house. It used to be Elizabeth Arden's way back in the '30s. It's beautiful, but kind of falling down. It's in the Belgrade Lakes region, a really beautiful region of Maine.
Our entire family convenes there in the summer. Everyone is in and out for about two months. We spend time working on this house. We spend time fighting with each other. As families do. I say that as a joke... Of course, there is that in all families.
A lot of really great memories are made there. Our kids have their cousins and aunts and uncles, and it really makes me feel like we're raising them to be rooted in their people.
Jackie Morreale (10:37)
Cousins Reunion in Maine sounds incredible. And it sounds pretty fun to be working on a 1930s house with the rest of your family.
Dr. Amy Todey (10:47)
Right from the start.
Jackie Morreale (10:51)
That definitely is the recipe for arguments and memories right there. We're on vacation, but we're going to work on this hundred-year-old house.
Dr. Amy Todey (10:53)
We're going to scrape walls, repaint them, and hang a ceiling fan.
Jackie Morreale (10:55)
Yes, teamwork makes a dream work. Imagine it's a big basketball team, give everybody a paintbrush.
Dr. Amy Todey (11:01)
Exactly.
Jackie Morreale (11:02)
What one thing do you wish schools taught kids better?
Dr. Amy Todey (11:07)
First of all, teaching is the most thankless job ever. I do, in general, think that kids need more unstructured time. Time outdoors, time to work things out on their own, fewer screens.
I generally wish that schools would go back to being a little more analog, hands-on, and project-based.
My kids get 20 or 30 minutes of recess. I think they need more time than that, especially at younger ages. What you're learning is all those social skills and creativity and problem solving and how to regulate emotions and all of that is core to everything that comes after it.
Jackie Morreale (11:40)
My kids' favorite time of day is those 20 minutes of recess, and they definitely fly by, and almost the rest of the school day is on a screen, so I think that's really amazing advice.
Dr. Amy Todey (11:47)
I know.
Jackie Morreale (11:49)
One thing that your children have taught you?
Dr. Amy Todey (11:51)
The thing that comes to mind is forgiveness. My children are so quick to forgive and to empathy and to understand. They don't really hold grudges. They don't stay upset with me for long.
Even when I've lost my temper, or they're upset because they didn't get the thing they wanted, or the schedule changed.
Kids are very raw with their humanity.
Adults are a lot more guarded and defensive. We've just been through more.
Without corrective emotional experiences over time, we can get really cynical and stuck.
My kids have taught me the power of seeing people as humans and seeing them for them but their best selves and understanding that people make mistakes and we can repair and move on.
Jackie Morreale (12:32)
What is one book that you would recommend to parents?
Dr. Amy Todey (12:36)
Positive Discipline. It's a book by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. I just love that book. It forms the foundation of a lot of teachings and the way that schools handle discipline. It's like, The Joy of Cooking, for parenting. I read and reread that book. I send it to parents all the time. I use it in my practice.
It's really founded on the idea that we shouldn't do things for kids that they can do for themselves. Children learn best through natural consequences. There are a lot of ideas for repair in that book as well. I just love it. It's good for strategy as well as for philosophy.
Jackie Morreale (13:05)
One book that changed your life, or that you really love to read?
Dr. Amy Todey (13:08)
One of my favorite books ever is a really old book called The Count of Monte Cristo. It's by Alexandre Dumas. It's a beautiful story. I tend to like things that are grounded in a historical context and have really good messages around it.
Jackie Morreale (13:23)
I have such a visual from that book. It's so beautiful. The French opulence and countryside and love story. What is one phrase that you find yourself saying often in session? If there is one.
Dr. Amy Todey (13:35)
I have phrases that I come back to. One thing that I try to remind parents of a lot is just that children, and humans in general, are wired for belonging and connection.
When belonging is threatened or severed, that is when we see people behave in sort of desperate ways.
Whenever you're having a rupture with someone, whether that's your adult sibling or your child or your parent, that connecting first and reminding people of the bond that exists, that you're trying to preserve, working through a conflict or setting a boundary, those things are in service of preserving a relationship.
It's always helpful to start with the connection point first and then move from there.
If threat to belonging is activated, people are going to be in a very emotional place. It will be hard for them to hear what you're actually trying to say. If they're reassured of connection and belonging, they tend to relax a little bit.
Jackie Morreale (14:30)
It's such great advice, It's practical, but it's something that I've never really thought of before, to first make someone feel like they belong and they're connected already. Favorite quote for life, Dr. Amy Todey? if you have one.
Dr. Amy Todey (14:43)
That's a really deep one. It's something around that.
People are built to belong. We're wired that way.
We need each other. We need love.
We need teamwork. We need to work together to get through this beautiful life.
We're social animals.
I worry that in a world that is increasingly dominated by technology, people are increasingly technologically connected, but much less physically and emotionally connected. We live a lot of our lives superficially. We may lose the very thing that makes human beings human.
Thinking about AI tools, and how people are connecting to technology that isn't even grounded in a human being. It's really important that we examine that and make sure that humanity is part of the conversation, at the core of everything we're doing.
Jackie Morreale (15:28)
I can only imagine your thoughts on AI as a psychologist. That must be a very challenging topic.
Dr. Amy Todey (15:34)
It is. I love AI though. I'm not here to hate AI. It's part of our evolution, right?
Jackie Morreale (15:37)
Right, it's part of our evolution.
Let's talk about some of the conflict areas that you work in. You work with families in some of their most emotionally charged moments, like divorce, conflict, and uncertainty. What helps you stay grounded during this kind of emotional intensity?
Dr. Amy Todey (15:55)
My core approach to human beings helps me stay really grounded.
It is in my nature to try to find the person underneath the conflict to attach to. Inherently, I know that people behave in ways that hurt others because they're hurting themselves, and because they're struggling with something.
What we all need is to know that: We're good enough as we are.
We're going to make mistakes.
We're going to move on from them.
Everyone's in the same boat when it comes to that as human beings.
That I can see their shame, the things they're unafraid of, and still show up with them, still stay, still honor the goodness that I see inside of them and what they're trying to do. That helps with a lot.
If you have a positive view of people and know there's a vulnerable human being beneath the defensiveness, it's much easier not to be triggered by what someone says.
(Continued below)
Jackie Morreale (08:42)
Such an exciting time for the Knicks. Anyway, I digress. Hidden talent?
Dr. Amy Todey (08:46)
Gosh. Hidden talent. I speak French. That's probably something a lot of people don't know about me.
Jackie Morreale (08:51)
Do you ever offer sessions in French, to French-speaking patients?
Dr. Amy Todey (08:55)
I've done that before, yes. I have felt really grateful to have that skill. I had an immigrant family that did not speak English. They're from a French-speaking country in Africa. Their child desperately needed an evaluation, and I was able to do it. I love using those skills in session.
Jackie Morreale (09:13)
One myth about parenting?
Dr. Amy Todey (09:15)
The myth about parenting is that there is a perfect or right way to do it.
Parenting is very embedded culturally. There are lots of different ways that families show love. Some people show love through nurturance, some through food, some through discipline, or teaching.
There is not one way to do this. Parenting is messy.
The core of parenting for me, no matter whether your child is under 18 or an adult child, is really around repair. Understanding that relationships all have moments that are hard, especially when someone is growing up.
Falling back on that ability to say, 'I'm sorry.'
That is really important for all parents to learn and teach their kids as a skill. There are a lot of different ways to embrace parenting, for sure.
Jackie Morreale (09:58)
A family ritual that you love?
Dr. Amy Todey (10:00)
Our biggest family ritual is intergenerational. We have a historic house in Maine that was my grandmother's house. It used to be Elizabeth Arden's way back in the '30s. It's beautiful, but kind of falling down. It's in the Belgrade Lakes region, a really beautiful region of Maine.
Our entire family convenes there in the summer. Everyone is in and out for about two months. We spend time working on this house. We spend time fighting with each other. As families do. I say that as a joke... Of course, there is that in all families.
A lot of really great memories are made there. Our kids have their cousins and aunts and uncles, and it really makes me feel like we're raising them to be rooted in their people.
Jackie Morreale (10:37)
Cousins Reunion in Maine sounds incredible. And it sounds pretty fun to be working on a 1930s house with the rest of your family.
Dr. Amy Todey (10:47)
Right from the start.
Jackie Morreale (10:51)
That definitely is the recipe for arguments and memories right there. We're on vacation, but we're going to work on this hundred-year-old house.
Dr. Amy Todey (10:53)
We're going to scrape walls, repaint them, and hang a ceiling fan.
Jackie Morreale (10:55)
Yes, teamwork makes a dream work. Imagine it's a big basketball team, give everybody a paintbrush.
Dr. Amy Todey (11:01)
Exactly.
Jackie Morreale (11:02)
What one thing do you wish schools taught kids better?
Dr. Amy Todey (11:07)
First of all, teaching is the most thankless job ever. I do, in general, think that kids need more unstructured time. Time outdoors, time to work things out on their own, fewer screens.
I generally wish that schools would go back to being a little more analog, hands-on, and project-based.
My kids get 20 or 30 minutes of recess. I think they need more time than that, especially at younger ages. What you're learning is all those social skills and creativity and problem solving and how to regulate emotions and all of that is core to everything that comes after it.
Jackie Morreale (11:40)
My kids' favorite time of day is those 20 minutes of recess, and they definitely fly by, and almost the rest of the school day is on a screen, so I think that's really amazing advice.
Dr. Amy Todey (11:47)
I know.
Jackie Morreale (11:49)
One thing that your children have taught you?
Dr. Amy Todey (11:51)
The thing that comes to mind is forgiveness. My children are so quick to forgive and to empathy and to understand. They don't really hold grudges. They don't stay upset with me for long.
Even when I've lost my temper, or they're upset because they didn't get the thing they wanted, or the schedule changed.
Kids are very raw with their humanity.
Adults are a lot more guarded and defensive. We've just been through more.
Without corrective emotional experiences over time, we can get really cynical and stuck.
My kids have taught me the power of seeing people as humans and seeing them for them but their best selves and understanding that people make mistakes and we can repair and move on.
Jackie Morreale (12:32)
What is one book that you would recommend to parents?
Dr. Amy Todey (12:36)
Positive Discipline. It's a book by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. I just love that book. It forms the foundation of a lot of teachings and the way that schools handle discipline. It's like, The Joy of Cooking, for parenting. I read and reread that book. I send it to parents all the time. I use it in my practice.
It's really founded on the idea that we shouldn't do things for kids that they can do for themselves. Children learn best through natural consequences. There are a lot of ideas for repair in that book as well. I just love it. It's good for strategy as well as for philosophy.
Jackie Morreale (13:05)
One book that changed your life, or that you really love to read?
Dr. Amy Todey (13:08)
One of my favorite books ever is a really old book called The Count of Monte Cristo. It's by Alexandre Dumas. It's a beautiful story. I tend to like things that are grounded in a historical context and have really good messages around it.
Jackie Morreale (13:23)
I have such a visual from that book. It's so beautiful. The French opulence and countryside and love story. What is one phrase that you find yourself saying often in session? If there is one.
Dr. Amy Todey (13:35)
I have phrases that I come back to. One thing that I try to remind parents of a lot is just that children, and humans in general, are wired for belonging and connection.
When belonging is threatened or severed, that is when we see people behave in sort of desperate ways.
Whenever you're having a rupture with someone, whether that's your adult sibling or your child or your parent, that connecting first and reminding people of the bond that exists, that you're trying to preserve, working through a conflict or setting a boundary, those things are in service of preserving a relationship.
It's always helpful to start with the connection point first and then move from there.
If threat to belonging is activated, people are going to be in a very emotional place. It will be hard for them to hear what you're actually trying to say. If they're reassured of connection and belonging, they tend to relax a little bit.
Jackie Morreale (14:30)
It's such great advice, It's practical, but it's something that I've never really thought of before, to first make someone feel like they belong and they're connected already. Favorite quote for life, Dr. Amy Todey? if you have one.
Dr. Amy Todey (14:43)
That's a really deep one. It's something around that.
People are built to belong. We're wired that way.
We need each other. We need love.
We need teamwork. We need to work together to get through this beautiful life.
We're social animals.
I worry that in a world that is increasingly dominated by technology, people are increasingly technologically connected, but much less physically and emotionally connected. We live a lot of our lives superficially. We may lose the very thing that makes human beings human.
Thinking about AI tools, and how people are connecting to technology that isn't even grounded in a human being. It's really important that we examine that and make sure that humanity is part of the conversation, at the core of everything we're doing.
Jackie Morreale (15:28)
I can only imagine your thoughts on AI as a psychologist. That must be a very challenging topic.
Dr. Amy Todey (15:34)
It is. I love AI though. I'm not here to hate AI. It's part of our evolution, right?
Jackie Morreale (15:37)
Right, it's part of our evolution.
Let's talk about some of the conflict areas that you work in. You work with families in some of their most emotionally charged moments, like divorce, conflict, and uncertainty. What helps you stay grounded during this kind of emotional intensity?
Dr. Amy Todey (15:55)
My core approach to human beings helps me stay really grounded.
It is in my nature to try to find the person underneath the conflict to attach to. Inherently, I know that people behave in ways that hurt others because they're hurting themselves, and because they're struggling with something.
What we all need is to know that: We're good enough as we are.
We're going to make mistakes.
We're going to move on from them.
Everyone's in the same boat when it comes to that as human beings.
That I can see their shame, the things they're unafraid of, and still show up with them, still stay, still honor the goodness that I see inside of them and what they're trying to do. That helps with a lot.
If you have a positive view of people and know there's a vulnerable human being beneath the defensiveness, it's much easier not to be triggered by what someone says.
(Continued below)
(Continued)
Jackie Morreale (16:47)
You often talk about balancing empathy with challenge. What does that look like when a family might be feeling stuck?
Dr. Amy Todey (16:54)
It's a really important skill for therapists to have. There is a risk in therapy of overvalidating.
Clients have to know that we are on the same side of the problem. That we see their goodness, that we have unconditionally positive regard for who they are as human beings.
But our clients are also all here asking for help to change something.
Change doesn't come from being comfortable. If you're comfortable, there's no reason for change.
I'm not the type of therapist that's going to intentionally make people uncomfortable, but I try to not rescue people when they're struggling with discomfort. I try to reassure them that I'm here and that I see their goodness and at the same time, the choices they're making, that may be coming from a very vulnerable or wounded place, or may even be coming from a good place, but those decisions have a role in the conflict or the problem that they're having in their life.
If people can own their role in things, they have some level of control.
If people remain in a place where they see themselves as a victim of life circumstances, or as a victim of a relationship when they want somebody else to do the work of change, I can almost guarantee you that nothing different is going to happen for them.
That's a dream and a wish and a hope.
You have to, we all have to, radically accept the circumstances in front of us. Then say, 'What decisions do I have that I can make that will make life better, help resolve this?'
That's what I mean by challenge; Remembering that we don't have control over others and what they choose to do.
We really don't have control over a lot of what happens in life, but we can control how we respond to it.
Jackie Morreale (18:21)
'We can only control our own response.' Empowering.
What is one shift that can dramatically improve parenting or co-parenting, even when communication may feel impossible?
Dr. Amy Todey (18:33)
For both parenting and co-parenting, I will go back to 'radical acceptance.' We have to accept things as they are. It doesn't mean that we have to like them or agree with them or condone them. Those things are different. We don't have to condone bad behavior to be able to accept that it exists.
If we are fighting reality, that's where all of our energy is going. It will leave us in a perpetual state of not being able to take action in the ways that we can.
There are a lot of people I work with, for example, who grieve a mother or a father that they wish they had. That's real.
You may have a mother who didn't show up for you, or wasn't really interested in coming to your events or activities or games, or maybe didn't really acknowledge or honor your emotional experiences. That can be really hard and vulnerable and difficult for a child to grow up in a situation like that.
That same mother may also offer a lot of other things that you needed, like stability, or maybe they taught you creativity, or maybe they taught you how to cope with adverse life circumstances, because they weren't helicoptering things for you.
If we're fighting reality, it's going to be hard for us to honor the complexity of a whole human being or the complexity of a whole circumstance.
To have authentic relationships, we have to be able to see both strengths and faults in both in ourselves and in other people.
Of course, relationships aren't perfect. Of course, you didn't have a perfect mom. I didn't have a perfect mom.
There's a mother that I grieved, but there's also a mother that I had. If we can't see, honor, and love the person in front of us, we're going to be left with very, very few people to love.
Jackie Morreale (20:12)
That was like hitting with a ton of truth right there. Looking at everyone for both their good and their flaws and loving them no matter what.
It not only makes me think about when I was a kid, but also makes me question the way that I'm mothering my own kids now.
Dr. Amy Todey (20:25)
Oh yeah.
Jackie Morreale (20:25)
I hope that I'm not doing too bad a job at it.
That's such an interesting thing to grieve the loss of a mother whom you wish that you had, or a parent, a father, a guardian.
I can only imagine the awesome mom that you are for those three boys. They must know themselves inside and out, be able to react confidently to situations, just have the best demeanor and sportsmanship on the basketball court.
Dr. Amy Todey (20:48)
I don't know.
Jackie Morreale (20:51)
I could just imagine all these beautiful family moments.
Dr. Amy Todey (20:53)
Oh my gosh. It is really not like that. It's kind of like the joke about an accountant, that they don't have their finances in order. It's kind of like that, I would say. I am not a perfect parent.
Jackie Morreale (21:01)
Or the shoemaker, with the holes in the shoes.
Dr. Amy Todey (21:05)
That is something that I really, really try to humble myself to with other people. Don't compare yourself to me.
Many people come to me in co-parenting, and what's happened is, in a court process, their very worst parenting moments have all been litigated and highlighted.
Would you, Jackie, want someone to highlight every mistake you made as a mom, every time you yelled, that time that you were sick and tired?
We have all done things we're not proud of. That's really not a standard I hold myself to.
What I do want is to be a parent that's always approachable.
I want to be a parent who leads with love, always.
I say to my kids all the time, 'I love you even when I'm angry with you.' In those moments, I still love you. Feelings are very different than that core bond.
I don't even strive to be a perfect parent because I don't want my kids to strive to be perfect kids. That's way too much pressure for anybody to put on themselves. It makes it really hard to have the humility to acknowledge failure and say, 'Yeah, I messed this up.'
Jackie Morreale (22:04)
I'm just circling back to your kids teaching you forgiveness.
Dr. Amy Todey (22:07)
Mm-hmm.
Jackie Morreale (22:07)
Let's talk more about kids and childhood development. You have written about life skills like empathy, responsibility, and self-control. What do you think the kids need most today? Maybe it's love, based on what you just said.
Dr. Amy Todey (22:20)
Love is the ultimate value.
The greatest virtue is love; everything flows from that.
It’s love and empathy and forgiveness and compassion.
All of those virtues that are in relationships with others.
Understanding that we can forgive really hard things in other people, people who have hurt us.
We can choose to forgive. Forgiveness is as much for yourself as it is for somebody else.
It doesn't mean that that person shouldn't or isn't accountable. It doesn't mean it's okay what they did. It really just means like I see your humanity.
We can forgive people who aren't asking for forgiveness.
We have empathy for them.
We don't want to live our lives with that level of anger, hostility, or angst.
Jackie Morreale (23:01)
Agree. It is worse for you when you can't move on and you feel stuck.
Dr. Amy Todey (23:04)
Totally.
Jackie Morreale (23:04)
How much of a child's emotional health comes from what their parents say versus what they do?
Dr. Amy Todey (23:12)
I think both are important. I will say that.
I am a big behavior modeling person.
If you want your children to be respectful and treat people with respect, treat them with respect and show them that.
I do think what you say matters. Once you say certain things, you cannot take them back. It's important that you measure words with kids because you just don't know what they're going to hold on to.
Jackie Morreale (23:36)
How do you measure words with kids? Just so I have an action step here, because that sounds like a good idea.
Dr. Amy Todey (23:41)
Doesn't it? There are certain boundaries that I will not cross with my kids. I am not a person who's never used profanity around my kids, right? Drop something on my toe. You might hear me say, 'Sh**, I dropped that on my toe.'
Jackie Morreale (23:48)
Okay, check that box off for me, too.
Dr. Amy Todey (23:53)
But using demeaning, disparaging, hostile language toward kids, using profanity towards kids... I don't let myself go there.
I might think it.
I might be like, 'You're being a little... right now,' in my head, but that's not what they're doing. And I know that.
To breach that boundary really is just losing emotional control.
If I don't have those guardrails for myself, those rules for myself, in an emotional moment, I could, right? Because again, I'm human.
But what helps me is understanding there are just certain places that we don't go in our family.
One of them is name-calling, really harsh criticism, saying demeaning things, and attributing a child's behavior to a flaw or a negative part of their character.
Speaking in absolutes like always and never. We don't give kids any space for being able to redeem themselves if we speak in hyperbole in that way.
We have rules, and those rules apply, by the way, not just to me, but also to our kids.
Our kids are much more likely to cross than my husband and I are, just because we're adults and we have more developed frontal lobes.
But when they do that, if they tell their brother 'shut up' or 'you're stupid' or whatever the things are, they have to do something to give back to our family. They have to do something kind for someone, or they have to do an act of service.
Wash the dishes for us or clean the bathroom. Like, 'The toilet is dirty... if you guys want to go there, there's a lot of things you can do.’
(Continued below)
Jackie Morreale (16:47)
You often talk about balancing empathy with challenge. What does that look like when a family might be feeling stuck?
Dr. Amy Todey (16:54)
It's a really important skill for therapists to have. There is a risk in therapy of overvalidating.
Clients have to know that we are on the same side of the problem. That we see their goodness, that we have unconditionally positive regard for who they are as human beings.
But our clients are also all here asking for help to change something.
Change doesn't come from being comfortable. If you're comfortable, there's no reason for change.
I'm not the type of therapist that's going to intentionally make people uncomfortable, but I try to not rescue people when they're struggling with discomfort. I try to reassure them that I'm here and that I see their goodness and at the same time, the choices they're making, that may be coming from a very vulnerable or wounded place, or may even be coming from a good place, but those decisions have a role in the conflict or the problem that they're having in their life.
If people can own their role in things, they have some level of control.
If people remain in a place where they see themselves as a victim of life circumstances, or as a victim of a relationship when they want somebody else to do the work of change, I can almost guarantee you that nothing different is going to happen for them.
That's a dream and a wish and a hope.
You have to, we all have to, radically accept the circumstances in front of us. Then say, 'What decisions do I have that I can make that will make life better, help resolve this?'
That's what I mean by challenge; Remembering that we don't have control over others and what they choose to do.
We really don't have control over a lot of what happens in life, but we can control how we respond to it.
Jackie Morreale (18:21)
'We can only control our own response.' Empowering.
What is one shift that can dramatically improve parenting or co-parenting, even when communication may feel impossible?
Dr. Amy Todey (18:33)
For both parenting and co-parenting, I will go back to 'radical acceptance.' We have to accept things as they are. It doesn't mean that we have to like them or agree with them or condone them. Those things are different. We don't have to condone bad behavior to be able to accept that it exists.
If we are fighting reality, that's where all of our energy is going. It will leave us in a perpetual state of not being able to take action in the ways that we can.
There are a lot of people I work with, for example, who grieve a mother or a father that they wish they had. That's real.
You may have a mother who didn't show up for you, or wasn't really interested in coming to your events or activities or games, or maybe didn't really acknowledge or honor your emotional experiences. That can be really hard and vulnerable and difficult for a child to grow up in a situation like that.
That same mother may also offer a lot of other things that you needed, like stability, or maybe they taught you creativity, or maybe they taught you how to cope with adverse life circumstances, because they weren't helicoptering things for you.
If we're fighting reality, it's going to be hard for us to honor the complexity of a whole human being or the complexity of a whole circumstance.
To have authentic relationships, we have to be able to see both strengths and faults in both in ourselves and in other people.
Of course, relationships aren't perfect. Of course, you didn't have a perfect mom. I didn't have a perfect mom.
There's a mother that I grieved, but there's also a mother that I had. If we can't see, honor, and love the person in front of us, we're going to be left with very, very few people to love.
Jackie Morreale (20:12)
That was like hitting with a ton of truth right there. Looking at everyone for both their good and their flaws and loving them no matter what.
It not only makes me think about when I was a kid, but also makes me question the way that I'm mothering my own kids now.
Dr. Amy Todey (20:25)
Oh yeah.
Jackie Morreale (20:25)
I hope that I'm not doing too bad a job at it.
That's such an interesting thing to grieve the loss of a mother whom you wish that you had, or a parent, a father, a guardian.
I can only imagine the awesome mom that you are for those three boys. They must know themselves inside and out, be able to react confidently to situations, just have the best demeanor and sportsmanship on the basketball court.
Dr. Amy Todey (20:48)
I don't know.
Jackie Morreale (20:51)
I could just imagine all these beautiful family moments.
Dr. Amy Todey (20:53)
Oh my gosh. It is really not like that. It's kind of like the joke about an accountant, that they don't have their finances in order. It's kind of like that, I would say. I am not a perfect parent.
Jackie Morreale (21:01)
Or the shoemaker, with the holes in the shoes.
Dr. Amy Todey (21:05)
That is something that I really, really try to humble myself to with other people. Don't compare yourself to me.
Many people come to me in co-parenting, and what's happened is, in a court process, their very worst parenting moments have all been litigated and highlighted.
Would you, Jackie, want someone to highlight every mistake you made as a mom, every time you yelled, that time that you were sick and tired?
We have all done things we're not proud of. That's really not a standard I hold myself to.
What I do want is to be a parent that's always approachable.
I want to be a parent who leads with love, always.
I say to my kids all the time, 'I love you even when I'm angry with you.' In those moments, I still love you. Feelings are very different than that core bond.
I don't even strive to be a perfect parent because I don't want my kids to strive to be perfect kids. That's way too much pressure for anybody to put on themselves. It makes it really hard to have the humility to acknowledge failure and say, 'Yeah, I messed this up.'
Jackie Morreale (22:04)
I'm just circling back to your kids teaching you forgiveness.
Dr. Amy Todey (22:07)
Mm-hmm.
Jackie Morreale (22:07)
Let's talk more about kids and childhood development. You have written about life skills like empathy, responsibility, and self-control. What do you think the kids need most today? Maybe it's love, based on what you just said.
Dr. Amy Todey (22:20)
Love is the ultimate value.
The greatest virtue is love; everything flows from that.
It’s love and empathy and forgiveness and compassion.
All of those virtues that are in relationships with others.
Understanding that we can forgive really hard things in other people, people who have hurt us.
We can choose to forgive. Forgiveness is as much for yourself as it is for somebody else.
It doesn't mean that that person shouldn't or isn't accountable. It doesn't mean it's okay what they did. It really just means like I see your humanity.
We can forgive people who aren't asking for forgiveness.
We have empathy for them.
We don't want to live our lives with that level of anger, hostility, or angst.
Jackie Morreale (23:01)
Agree. It is worse for you when you can't move on and you feel stuck.
Dr. Amy Todey (23:04)
Totally.
Jackie Morreale (23:04)
How much of a child's emotional health comes from what their parents say versus what they do?
Dr. Amy Todey (23:12)
I think both are important. I will say that.
I am a big behavior modeling person.
If you want your children to be respectful and treat people with respect, treat them with respect and show them that.
I do think what you say matters. Once you say certain things, you cannot take them back. It's important that you measure words with kids because you just don't know what they're going to hold on to.
Jackie Morreale (23:36)
How do you measure words with kids? Just so I have an action step here, because that sounds like a good idea.
Dr. Amy Todey (23:41)
Doesn't it? There are certain boundaries that I will not cross with my kids. I am not a person who's never used profanity around my kids, right? Drop something on my toe. You might hear me say, 'Sh**, I dropped that on my toe.'
Jackie Morreale (23:48)
Okay, check that box off for me, too.
Dr. Amy Todey (23:53)
But using demeaning, disparaging, hostile language toward kids, using profanity towards kids... I don't let myself go there.
I might think it.
I might be like, 'You're being a little... right now,' in my head, but that's not what they're doing. And I know that.
To breach that boundary really is just losing emotional control.
If I don't have those guardrails for myself, those rules for myself, in an emotional moment, I could, right? Because again, I'm human.
But what helps me is understanding there are just certain places that we don't go in our family.
One of them is name-calling, really harsh criticism, saying demeaning things, and attributing a child's behavior to a flaw or a negative part of their character.
Speaking in absolutes like always and never. We don't give kids any space for being able to redeem themselves if we speak in hyperbole in that way.
We have rules, and those rules apply, by the way, not just to me, but also to our kids.
Our kids are much more likely to cross than my husband and I are, just because we're adults and we have more developed frontal lobes.
But when they do that, if they tell their brother 'shut up' or 'you're stupid' or whatever the things are, they have to do something to give back to our family. They have to do something kind for someone, or they have to do an act of service.
Wash the dishes for us or clean the bathroom. Like, 'The toilet is dirty... if you guys want to go there, there's a lot of things you can do.’
(Continued below)
(Continued)
Jackie Morreale (25:05)
Love this idea. I am implementing it today. It's so practical.
When you were going through the idea of calling your kids names that associate with bad features... I just felt like a kid, being pounded on. Imagine that kid grows up, you can't really have a functioning part of society, let alone your own family, if you were treated that way growing up.
Dr. Amy Todey (25:31)
Well, they definitely internalize all of that. They internalize it as messages toward themselves. It's a lot of damage that needs to be undone. Differentiating a child's behavior from their intentions, or their behavior from who they are as a person.
I say to my kids, 'I know you didn't mean for that to happen.' Or, 'I know that's not who you are, so when you treat your brother that way, it's really confusing for me because I know that's not who you are.'
That really helps to validate the soul underneath. They can say, 'I'm really not that person, and I do feel sorry for doing that.' They come do it on their own.
Jackie Morreale (26:02)
Wow, you really can keep your calm through anything. Again, back to those referee skills.
Dr. Amy Todey (26:06)
I really don't.
Jackie Morreale (26:07)
You can just deal with anything.
Dr. Amy Todey (26:10)
The thing is that there is a timeless nature of parenting. You can always come back to a moment and say, 'I was so angry this morning, and I think I really overreacted when you dropped that egg on the floor. I think that probably really hurt your feelings. And I'm sorry about that. I was having a hard day. You didn't deserve that. Doesn't mean you don't need to be more careful with the egg, right?'
You can always come back. You can always repair, or start a repair process, with your family.
Jackie Morreale (26:35)
If you genuinely can apologize and feel sorry about your reaction to something like an egg on the floor or spilled milk, that is an action step that you can take and have control over.
Dr. Amy Todey (26:44)
Totally.
Jackie Morreale (26:45)
You also work with neurodevelopmental evaluation for learning differences for children.
Dr. Amy Todey (26:48)
Yes.
Jackie Morreale (26:49)
What do you wish that more parents understood before the evaluation process? Anything that can maybe help parents remove the fear of labels to understand and be empowered?
Dr. Amy Todey (27:01)
It comes down to radical acceptance. You are parenting the child that is in front of you, and there is grief in that. I have that with all three of my kids in different ways.
Not that they're not who I want them to be. It's not that.
It's more like, I see them when I see their struggles, and say things like, 'Mom, I'm the least popular kid in my friend group.' It just breaks my heart. I grieve for him that he is struggling to be successful in that way.
At the same time, I'm not going to snowplow for him or helicopter that situation.
He has to get through it. It's part of growing up.
Understanding that a diagnosis isn't an identity.
It really isn't. It is a way that explains how kids' brains work.
All three of my kids have ADHD. We're super loaded on both sides of my family. I talk about it with everyone because I'm like, 'So what?'
My son was so funny. It was Thanksgiving dinner, and this is when he was first diagnosed. He was maybe 7 or 8 years old. He says, 'Grandma, guess what? I have ADHD, I have the whole thing, all of it!'
Jackie Morreale (27:58)
Superpower!
Dr. Amy Todey (27:59)
He notes this diagnosis, because when we shared with him the results of testing, we shared it in this way, like, 'Bud, you are an amazing kid. People with ADHD, that diagnosis is associated with energy and creativity, and outside-of-the-box thinking and pushing limits and things.'
I was so happy for him. First, because I knew we'd be able to support and help him, and his teachers would understand him, but also because I'm like, 'Good for you. You get to show and use your gifts in a different way.'
And there will be struggles. I'm not trying to sugarcoat it. There is a lot of pain in that diagnosis, too. But I don't ever want my child to think there's something wrong with him.
We have to understand ourselves. This is just one tool that we can use to understand ourselves.
Jackie Morreale (28:34)
I love that you use the word 'gifts.'
If someone is listening right now who may feel overwhelmed, as a parent, co-parent, or other guardian, what is one thing that you would tell them?
Dr. Amy Todey (28:44)
The things that we don't name tend to own us. The things that we avoid tend to make our anxiety worse. I have that in my life, too.
But the minute we name it, it gets smaller.
The minute we're we face it, it gets smaller.
If you're talking about a diagnosis or a concern for your child, it's just information. It's information that the earlier you intervene in anything with kids, the better. Their brains are so plastic and primed for learning.
I just encourage people to find the support they need to take steps toward asking the question they're afraid to ask.
Jackie Morreale (29:13)
Shout-outs to anybody who's helped you get to where you are today, Dr. Amy Todey?
Dr. Amy Todey (29:18)
I appreciate you asking me that. My very close friend and colleague, Dr. Carrie Morris, is the colleague I have with a practice in Boston. She is an amazing psychologist, friend, and person, and she runs an amazing neurodevelopmental clinic in Woburn, Massachusetts, just north of Boston.
Jackie Morreale (29:34)
What's the name of her practice?
Dr. Amy Todey (29:35)
It's called Touchstone NeuroDevelopment Center.
She runs it with another colleague of ours, Dr. Alison Schonwald. She's a developmental behavioral pediatrician, equally amazing, so skilled, very highly trained, and compassionate. Compassion is at the heart of everything they do.
Definitely want to shout out to her and also my colleagues back in Atlanta. Dr. Allison Hill, who is the best of the best in terms of co-parenting and high conflict divorce work.
Dr. Kristin Carothers, who was recently featured on Trevor Noah. Kristin has the most warm, loving demeanor with children. I've learned so much from her.
Those are the three colleagues that I want to honor.
Jackie Morreale (30:08)
We all need more colleagues and friends like that.
Dr. Amy Todey (30:11)
Totally.
Jackie Morreale (30:11)
You really keep a beautiful village around you. That's what you exude, so that's what comes back to you. Thank you for the work that you're doing.
Dr. Amy Todey (30:18)
Thank you so much.
Jackie Morreale (30:19)
Where can people get more Dr. Amy Todey? What's the best way for people to work with you or with your colleagues?
Dr. Amy Todey (30:26)
If we're working with me, I have a wonderful website. It's: www.todeypsychology.com . My last name is T-O-D-E-Y, it's a little tricky. You can reach me there.
I’m also building a following on Instagram, my handle is @dramytodey, same spelling, you can find me there as well.
I work with people across the country. People consult with me from all four corners of our country. They try to consult with me internationally, but I can't because of my license. I love working with people from diverse areas.
Jackie Morreale (30:50)
You really are making such an impact on so many families around the country. I can't wait to see what you do next, Dr. Amy Todey. You are a force of nature. Thank you for all you do!
Dr. Amy Todey (31:01)
I'm very grateful to you, Jackie, for having me on this show, and you equally have such a positive, warm, uplifting demeanor.
Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it.
Jackie Morreale (31:11)
I appreciate you! Sending lots of love. Bye.
To learn more about Dr. Amy Todey, visit: www.todeypsychology.com
Jackie Morreale (25:05)
Love this idea. I am implementing it today. It's so practical.
When you were going through the idea of calling your kids names that associate with bad features... I just felt like a kid, being pounded on. Imagine that kid grows up, you can't really have a functioning part of society, let alone your own family, if you were treated that way growing up.
Dr. Amy Todey (25:31)
Well, they definitely internalize all of that. They internalize it as messages toward themselves. It's a lot of damage that needs to be undone. Differentiating a child's behavior from their intentions, or their behavior from who they are as a person.
I say to my kids, 'I know you didn't mean for that to happen.' Or, 'I know that's not who you are, so when you treat your brother that way, it's really confusing for me because I know that's not who you are.'
That really helps to validate the soul underneath. They can say, 'I'm really not that person, and I do feel sorry for doing that.' They come do it on their own.
Jackie Morreale (26:02)
Wow, you really can keep your calm through anything. Again, back to those referee skills.
Dr. Amy Todey (26:06)
I really don't.
Jackie Morreale (26:07)
You can just deal with anything.
Dr. Amy Todey (26:10)
The thing is that there is a timeless nature of parenting. You can always come back to a moment and say, 'I was so angry this morning, and I think I really overreacted when you dropped that egg on the floor. I think that probably really hurt your feelings. And I'm sorry about that. I was having a hard day. You didn't deserve that. Doesn't mean you don't need to be more careful with the egg, right?'
You can always come back. You can always repair, or start a repair process, with your family.
Jackie Morreale (26:35)
If you genuinely can apologize and feel sorry about your reaction to something like an egg on the floor or spilled milk, that is an action step that you can take and have control over.
Dr. Amy Todey (26:44)
Totally.
Jackie Morreale (26:45)
You also work with neurodevelopmental evaluation for learning differences for children.
Dr. Amy Todey (26:48)
Yes.
Jackie Morreale (26:49)
What do you wish that more parents understood before the evaluation process? Anything that can maybe help parents remove the fear of labels to understand and be empowered?
Dr. Amy Todey (27:01)
It comes down to radical acceptance. You are parenting the child that is in front of you, and there is grief in that. I have that with all three of my kids in different ways.
Not that they're not who I want them to be. It's not that.
It's more like, I see them when I see their struggles, and say things like, 'Mom, I'm the least popular kid in my friend group.' It just breaks my heart. I grieve for him that he is struggling to be successful in that way.
At the same time, I'm not going to snowplow for him or helicopter that situation.
He has to get through it. It's part of growing up.
Understanding that a diagnosis isn't an identity.
It really isn't. It is a way that explains how kids' brains work.
All three of my kids have ADHD. We're super loaded on both sides of my family. I talk about it with everyone because I'm like, 'So what?'
My son was so funny. It was Thanksgiving dinner, and this is when he was first diagnosed. He was maybe 7 or 8 years old. He says, 'Grandma, guess what? I have ADHD, I have the whole thing, all of it!'
Jackie Morreale (27:58)
Superpower!
Dr. Amy Todey (27:59)
He notes this diagnosis, because when we shared with him the results of testing, we shared it in this way, like, 'Bud, you are an amazing kid. People with ADHD, that diagnosis is associated with energy and creativity, and outside-of-the-box thinking and pushing limits and things.'
I was so happy for him. First, because I knew we'd be able to support and help him, and his teachers would understand him, but also because I'm like, 'Good for you. You get to show and use your gifts in a different way.'
And there will be struggles. I'm not trying to sugarcoat it. There is a lot of pain in that diagnosis, too. But I don't ever want my child to think there's something wrong with him.
We have to understand ourselves. This is just one tool that we can use to understand ourselves.
Jackie Morreale (28:34)
I love that you use the word 'gifts.'
If someone is listening right now who may feel overwhelmed, as a parent, co-parent, or other guardian, what is one thing that you would tell them?
Dr. Amy Todey (28:44)
The things that we don't name tend to own us. The things that we avoid tend to make our anxiety worse. I have that in my life, too.
But the minute we name it, it gets smaller.
The minute we're we face it, it gets smaller.
If you're talking about a diagnosis or a concern for your child, it's just information. It's information that the earlier you intervene in anything with kids, the better. Their brains are so plastic and primed for learning.
I just encourage people to find the support they need to take steps toward asking the question they're afraid to ask.
Jackie Morreale (29:13)
Shout-outs to anybody who's helped you get to where you are today, Dr. Amy Todey?
Dr. Amy Todey (29:18)
I appreciate you asking me that. My very close friend and colleague, Dr. Carrie Morris, is the colleague I have with a practice in Boston. She is an amazing psychologist, friend, and person, and she runs an amazing neurodevelopmental clinic in Woburn, Massachusetts, just north of Boston.
Jackie Morreale (29:34)
What's the name of her practice?
Dr. Amy Todey (29:35)
It's called Touchstone NeuroDevelopment Center.
She runs it with another colleague of ours, Dr. Alison Schonwald. She's a developmental behavioral pediatrician, equally amazing, so skilled, very highly trained, and compassionate. Compassion is at the heart of everything they do.
Definitely want to shout out to her and also my colleagues back in Atlanta. Dr. Allison Hill, who is the best of the best in terms of co-parenting and high conflict divorce work.
Dr. Kristin Carothers, who was recently featured on Trevor Noah. Kristin has the most warm, loving demeanor with children. I've learned so much from her.
Those are the three colleagues that I want to honor.
Jackie Morreale (30:08)
We all need more colleagues and friends like that.
Dr. Amy Todey (30:11)
Totally.
Jackie Morreale (30:11)
You really keep a beautiful village around you. That's what you exude, so that's what comes back to you. Thank you for the work that you're doing.
Dr. Amy Todey (30:18)
Thank you so much.
Jackie Morreale (30:19)
Where can people get more Dr. Amy Todey? What's the best way for people to work with you or with your colleagues?
Dr. Amy Todey (30:26)
If we're working with me, I have a wonderful website. It's: www.todeypsychology.com . My last name is T-O-D-E-Y, it's a little tricky. You can reach me there.
I’m also building a following on Instagram, my handle is @dramytodey, same spelling, you can find me there as well.
I work with people across the country. People consult with me from all four corners of our country. They try to consult with me internationally, but I can't because of my license. I love working with people from diverse areas.
Jackie Morreale (30:50)
You really are making such an impact on so many families around the country. I can't wait to see what you do next, Dr. Amy Todey. You are a force of nature. Thank you for all you do!
Dr. Amy Todey (31:01)
I'm very grateful to you, Jackie, for having me on this show, and you equally have such a positive, warm, uplifting demeanor.
Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it.
Jackie Morreale (31:11)
I appreciate you! Sending lots of love. Bye.
To learn more about Dr. Amy Todey, visit: www.todeypsychology.com
Continued reading, recommended by Dr. Amy Todey:
Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills. May 2006. By Jane Nelsen Ed.D.
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The Count of Monte Cristo (Penguin Classics). Re-published May 2003. By Alexandre Dumas (Author), Robin Buss (Translator, Introduction, Editor).
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